ROAD TRIPPING WITH ME

The struggle to be who we say we are is one that costs us credibility. It frustrates our friendships and distorts our discipline. It issues hurt and heartache in ways we cannot fully know, and it initiates the war with self-esteem. In truth, it is what makes us human, and yet so desperately dependent upon the divine.

What struggle, you ask? Come on. You know it. Like it or not you've battle with yourself or been the onlooker to the tragic flaws of your friends like a witness to a car wreck. It's ugly. It's painful. It can often be avoided but happens in a split second decision-- or indecision. It isn't that we all desperately want to disappoint others or that we are even aware of our hypocrisy, but for some reason we are in constant battle to live up to the standards that have been set by God, ourselves, and even others. My standard is high, but my life might be less. The struggle is real, human, and even acceptable to a degree. But when the struggle is simplified and minimized, or when it becomes a fight for something so basic and honest, then it raises questions. Not that there isn't a need for support in the midst of the harsh reality that even self honesty is an effort--- but at some point self honesty has to be just that: Self. okay, you got me. Self and God. But that's where it ends. Even in community. And when it doesn't, or it can't, or it is refused then there is room for questioning and doubt from the onlooker. Surely you had some part to play in this mess. I mean, if you were honest?

And yet the confrontation with self (or lack thereof) does in fact frustrate friendships and distort one's discipline. Everyone looking on is forced to witness the pain. They may not feel it-- might not even really understand it, but when the collision occurs, it gets people's attention. Even complete strangers will drive by and stop. So it goes with each and every relationship in one's life. People look. People gasp. People may have sympathy, while others find pleasure in the pain. And somewhere down the road there is someone who is really just pissed off from having to wait for your mess to get out of the road. Worse than all that anger, onlooking, upset, and entertainment is what it costs YOU. You continue to drive recklessly, mindlessly, selfishly. The art of engaging others along the way is lost and the only reflection you find is in the rear view. And so the image in your mind is distorted and the driver's Ed. you had so long ago becomes meaningless and distant. You lean back. You use one hand. You are distracted by the sound of the radio, and you flick your addiction out the window with a whitewashed face and empty eyes--- still on the rearview. Distortion may be the culprit, only the report will tell.

Hard to say how much damage has been done. Even harder to guess what it'll cost to make repairs. Not just for yours, but everyone else's damage too. Hope they have some kind of coverage. One cannot bear the guilt of what reckless life navigation does to others, but responsibility must be taken. Action must accompany an attitude that is repentant and determined to relearn. Take control of the wheel, but don't be aggressive. Check your mirrors-- even that blind spot. Use signals and let someone else know when in the heck you are doing anyway. When necessary, brake. No one can do that for you.

STOP living with the guilt. You survived--whether you deserve it or not is irrelevant. You did, and so you give thanks. You get over yourself, and ignore the initial desire to give in to pity that increases the probability of your distorted driving skills all over again.

You are human. We are human. We are all at risk--- and the sooner we confess our ignorance and selfish skills, the sooner we will allow someone else to drive. Trust me, it's better that way; for you, for me, and for all the onlookers.