Rereading on being, not doing. (a blog from the youth pastor days)

A heart cannot help but be captured and caught up in the mystery and wonder that fills the pages of the Bible. With every chapter a new story unfolds---a victory, a downfall, a life and a love....a tale of adventure or a glimmer of hope for the near death experience---and most of all the overall story of grace. The stories I least liked as a child were the neverending tales of the Apostle Paul. A man who endured hardship and tragedy, endured prison and beatings, raised up churches and raised up funds and raised up people all to raise up the God he had initially attempted to push so far away. And that frustrates me...how a man like this could get so much attention.

Paul is the type of guy that all the elders wanted to model because, after Jesus, he's the next best example. (although I notice few of them refrained from marriage!) Paul was "inspiring," Paul was "faithful", he was "strong" and "persistent" and "loyal." He was the type of man all the ladies would have loved to join the singles group and all the men wanted as their best friend. And yet I was so SICK of hearing his story. I wanted the church to remember that he was only these things becasue of Jesus. He was only where he was and who he was becasue of grace. He was just a human---not some sort of God! Not that I didn't love the part about his transformation, afterall, I was fascinated by radical conversion stories while I had grown up in the church. But something about this man made everyone else feel giddy while I just felt sick with all the idolatrous talk of the Great Apostle.

Then I read the story again. With fresh eyes and an open mind, I opened the pages of the Story book of Life and found a piece of my own story written.
"I have made no use of any of my rights, nor am I writing so that they may be applied in this case. Indeed, I would rather die than that--no one will deprive me of my ground for boasting, for an obligation is laid on me. and woe to me if I do not proclaim the gospel!" (Rom. 9:15-16)

At last, I find reason to celebrate this person Paul, a servant of Jesus. (okay, besides the fact that he wrote a bazillion books of the NT) Paul was genuine. He was serious about his ministry. He was sincere in his faith and he honestly was not out to gain all the "glamour" that he still gets. He did his part because he understood grace. He became a servant of Jesus because he knew the extent to which he had been served. And in this portion of scripture his confession is one that strikes deep within me---he confesses that the obligation to share the gospel has been laid on him....and so he must.
Probably not too inspiring to many people, but for me, the reality of the feelings behind such a statement have given me fresh hope. We all know that Youth Ministry is not a bed of roses. Sure the pizza is great, the kids are fun, all the hype and excitement and loud concerts keep us reliving our own youth group days---but trying to develop a minsitry that actually connects christianity and teen cultre, that's a different story.

It's hard work. It's frustrating. You can serve a hundred brownies and candy, offer 15 games, sing all the great music and spend hours talking with people without one thank you. Without one sign of a change. Without one confirmation that someone is at least listening! (And we know its not about this, "but...") But the reality still stands; God has been good. He has been faithful and generous and kind and VERY, VERY patient with us. And to recieve his grace and grab a fresh glimpse of that changes me. It is in that realization and that confession alone that I find strength to continue in what God has called us to.
Paul speaks with a tone of frustration----he hasn't made use of anything or anyone. He hasn't indulged in what care people would offer, he hasn't taken money or service from people beyond what was necessary. In no way had he demanded thank yous or words fo praise. He knew better. He rememered that the call which was so deep within him was one to share to gospel; not to check it off a list of christian things to do, but he served and preached because it was a part of who he was. His heart and life belonged to Christ...and that included the good and the bad.

That puts a crinkle in my pity-party plans. It at least reminds me of the spirit that dwells deep within me. It is a Spirit that calls me and beckons me to come closer...a spirit that rages within me and longs to live beyond the walls of my own heart and into the dark and hurting world. When I am hurting, when ministry is hard, when I don't want to make time to do anything but my own agenda or I'm too lazy to talk to God----it is then that I find myself the most miserable. So I wait and I pray, hoping that God will conintue to develop, re-develop, and guide the life within me---so that I may share this good news from who I am and not just what I do.